Game review: Duke Nukem Forever

I'm trying to come up with a really good joke for the beggining for this review, but it may take some time. Let's say...ooooh, 13 years, give or take. Yes, this is the much-awaited game that spent more than a decade in development hell. Of, course, the Duke's been around longer than 13 years...it's just that, these past 13 years, he hasn't been around. Not really. This all sound Greek to you? Allow me to break it down for you. Just do me a favour: while you're reading the rest of the post, listen to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUCbflBkIgo.

It's not pink! It's salmon!

Bet some of you didn't even know
this existed.

The Duke Nukem franchise started in the summer of 1991 as a side-scrolling platformer, like most games in that era. If featured a blond tough-as-nails over-the-top guy saving the world from evil Dr. Proton, getting babes and cracking wise. The technology wasn't yet ambitious enough for this character to be fully realized, but you'd be amazed what a few pixels and a vivid imagination nudged properly can do. It begot a sequel, naturally. 

Damn, those aliens are gonna pay for oggling up
 that cheerleader

And then, on the winter of 1996, all hell broke loose. In Duke Nukem 3D, a surprisingly diverse alien race (consisting of humanoid boars with a uniform fetish, lizard thingies and floating telecinetic octopusi, primarily) invaded our little blue planet, seemingly enjoying parts of our lifestyle like strip clubs and x-rated theaters but making damn sure to shoot people on site if they didn't have big breasts. Ergo Meat Loaf was, mercifully, spared due to logistics. However, the aliens made one fatal mistake: they didn't know Duke, the archetype from which all Chuck Norris jokes originate, called this planet home. Based on the Build engine, while technically overshadowed by the then ground-breaking "true 3D" of Quake, DN3D nevertheless succeeded in making urban environments, "photorealistic" graphics (an ever-present term in every decade, it seems), a fun shooting gallery and, of course, the comic lewdness and crackwisery only a 90ies game stuck in the 80ies could have. Duke was an icon. The pennultimate badass. It's who Chuck Norris wants to grow up to be. It was an instant classic, and when talking about Duke Nukem, all fans have this game in mind as the definitive one. Hell, some even consider it to be the first one.

One of the first screenshots from Duke Nukem Forever.

And here's where it all goes tricky, see. In 1998, 3D realms announced the sequel to DN3D, Duke Nukem Forever, set for a release date in 1999. It boasted the new version of the Build engine, advanced technical features, better multi-player. But the fans never cared for that. They just wanted more of Duke. More of their chance of being Duke. The rest is fuzzy. The game underwent through what was possibly thousands of development cycles, endlessly looping. Bad management and an arrogant attitude from 3D realms (claiming for years "it'll come out when it's ready" and on occasion banning people from their forums for openly doubting that statement) didn't really deter the fans. After all, we were still waiting for our chance to be Duke. Every time a new graphics engine took the world by storm, DNF would start from scratch, to be as polished as possible. But it ignored the fans never really cared about that. That's Duke for you: if he sets his mind in something, there's no changing it.

Cheeky name for a game nobody wanted
but, nevertheless, it was all we got.

So we waited for 11 years. And in the meantime, we whetted our appetite with expansion packs, ports and platformers such as the Manhattan Project.

Duke wasn't just delayed, he was cockblocked, apparently.

Every now and then, new information would be released. A teaser here. A screenshot there. It just wasn't enough. We had to find love elsewhere. In the Master Chief's arms. In Quake's deathmatch. In the loving embrace of the Skaarj. In a nanosuit. In the cold reality of WW2. In the cinematic Bruckheimer-esque battles of Modern Warfare. In the french kiss of a headcrab. And so the genre advanced, and Duke became nothing more than an ex-lover's number in a phonebook, long forgotten, who only calls you up for booty calls at 3am. And, like those old lovers, it may seem tempting in the moment, but you're not gonna go for it and you know it. And then, in 2009, came the final blow. Duke Nukem Forever was cancelled. That was it. Caput. Done. Finished. Game over. The King had left the building, never to return.


Until Gearbox picked up the pieces, and promised to deliver. And, two days ago, they did. But, what exactly is it they've delivered? Let's break it down.

"King? I didn't vote for any king!"

The Cycloid Emperor, one of the most memorable
 bosses (and boss humiliations) of DN3D, makes a cameo.
 And a comeback, too.

In many ways, Duke is a return to form. In an equal number of ways, it's relic of the past. And in a few ways, it's also an old dog trying to do new tricks. Just remember, like I kept reminding myself while playing and, indeed, reviewing it: the game could never live up to the 13-year old hype and the ridiculously high-expectations borne from it. Be prepared to overlook, and be prepared to forgive. Now, where do we start? Hmmm...

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Getting the technical stuff out of the way first, I suppose. It's using the latest Unreal engine, and if you've been playing videogames for at least a couple of years you know what that engine's capable of. While not groundbreakingly stunning, it does look good, but it's not Unreal or Quake or Crysis. And what I mean by that, the graphics in this game are not a selling point. They get the job done, and that's it. And they get it done well. Aside from resource-hogging issues on the PC (as I'm told), which are bound to be hotfixed pretty soon. One major gripe, though, is the constant and lengthy loading screens, which, especially on repeated death situations, do get on your nerves.

For Duke, 'roids can mean steroids. Look at those arms.
Or, maybe, hemorroids. Look at that facial expression.

Oh, and the sound? Absolutely and utterly kickass. Satisfying weapon discharges, the aforementioned constant one-liners (voiced, again, by John St. John), seductive women, snarling enemies, heavy metal and hard rock music, and all kinds of variations of the Duke Nukem theme you can stomach: look out for the muzak version in the elevators. Rock n load.




I'm not sure I should even be talking about the story here. It's rudimentary, but it was never going to be anything more than that. The aliens have returned, and only Duke can stop them. B-movie stuff, but again, the fans never cared for that. Newcomers will find the story simplistic, but it wasn't aiming for awards either way. Don't expect to play something with a sense of narrative on par with, say, Half-Life 2. 

As lovingly decadent
as it sounds

I'm not even going to go into the whole "it's misogynistic and sexist, women are portrayed inaccurately etc" frenzy. People dumb and insecure enough to take Duke's stereotypic slapstick humour seriously deserve no time of mine. After all, the Duke himself doesn't take the Duke seriously either. So, I only have one thing to say to the people complaining against this aspect of the game: blow it out your ass. This is not why the game stands/sticks out, and I will not allow you to make me think so.

The screenshot lies. The game offers no obscuring
blocky pixels for the naughty bits. Just tinsel.

Where it does stand out, though, is the jokes. Apart from the fact that Duke is (as he always was) a 6-foot tall bag of macho stereotypes, as is every character in the game, the sheer volume of one-liners, pop culture references (from Christian Bale's f-bomb outburst on the set of Terminator to today's junk food), countless film and videogame references ("Power armor is for pussies", Duke states when offered a breastplate and helmet that are, quite clearly, Master Chief's), the absurdity of situations and enemies, all make sure that DNF is fun. Sometimes it's puns, sometimes it's toilet humour, sometimes more on mark, some times a little bit forced. But it also pokes fun at itself. It's a game that, assuming you're old and steeped in the subject enough to get all of the references, in-jokes and jibes, will have you rolling on the floor laughing your ass off (the fabled roflmao). Duke has, somehow, managed to not only keep his humour, but evolve it as well. 

Well, mostly. When I say toilet humour, I really do mean
toilet humour. Scatological, even.

Outta gas

But, while DNF is about humour as well, it's not its main attribute. And this...this is where it goes a bit pear-shaped. The shooting and the puzzle solving sometimes feels like a throwback to the past, and sometimes feels like the good old days. Unfortunately, it also tries, at times, to both adapt to a new era and, also, stick to its formula. The result is a mix n' match of hit and miss moments. Adapting, Duke can only carry two weapons at a time, sans the explosives and special items. Adapting, Duke only has his Ego to protect him against the alien invaders (think of Duke's Ego as a cross between Call of Duty's style of Health and Halo's shield, which can be extended by interacting with the world and progressing in the game). Keeping to form, all the classic weapons from DN3D return, plus a few new ones, the Railgun being the most welcome addition among them. 

"I'm not a toy, kid. I'm an action figure"

There's a few vehicular segments, which are thankfully not as bad as feared to be, especially the RC ones. In fact, the parts of the game you spend shrunk to toy size are easily the most memorable. There's a few physics puzzles, but there's also tons of gratuitous violence. 

Not only do you down it, you also give it the finger.
Seriously.

There's boss fights which, while some may find outdated, others (me among them) find refreshingly retro. The game's full of new and old moments which, a few notable exceptions aside, fail to click together as much as they could. This is the sad part: DNF isn't even a bad shooter. It's just, well...a mediocre shooter. It offers little in terms of exploration or environmental combat, and even less in terms of characters. It suffers both from itself and from the hype. 


However, it does succeed in one paramount aspect: it's fun(ny). It's pure, mindless, unapologetic fun so long as it lasts. I guess I'm willing to forgive all its faults for at least that. Of course, it will sell like hotcakes. It might even warrant a sequel, hopefully one we won't have to wait a decade for. It will get bashed by internet reviewers who think they're being clever (sadly, they're not), it will be loved by other reviewers, it will be bashed by reviewers who just don't like it, and it will be both bashed and loved by fanboys and fans.  But. It. Is. Fun. Even if it's an on-rails mediocre shooter.

After all, you can run a cart over humanoid boars on those rails.