The Twelve Types of Gamer

Ho! Ho! Ho-douken!

Last year, my Christmas post was a bad -in fact, very bad- version of the Twelve Days of Christmas about the LFR system that was just implemented in World of Warcraft. Seriously, I'm not even going to link it, it's that bad. Just ignore it. Let's pretend this is this blog's first official Christmas post.

However, being an X-mas junkie and loving that song to bits for some inexplicable reason, I'm going to keep on that theme of that post that never existed, ever. So, without further ado, here's the twelve types of gamer you'll meet online.

**** Obligatory disclaimer because my attorney says I can't afford another lawsuit: This post is based on stereotypes and is written in a -hopefully evident- humorous manner. It also makes use of photos easily accessible via Google. Therefore, any resemblance to persons living, dead or waiting to respawn is purely coincidental (but probably eerily accurate). ****

Type 1: The casual

This type, while first on the list, is one of which you'll meet the fewest examples of. The reason is simple: casual gamers don't feel like they have something to prove by competing online, and when they do appear online they aren't the most vocal of gamers. A veritable chameleon, Casual gamers may momentarily cross the threshold to another type, but it will be just that: momentary. They remain friendly, helpful and unobtrusive within reasonable bounds. A Casual gamer might ruin your game, but he'll apologize so long as you actually interact with him in a decent way. He's not the best, not by a long shot, but he's doing his best. A Casual's first and, when you get right down to it, only real goal is to have fun. Casuals are often mistaken for pretty much every other type by almost every other type. It's truest for Casuals: it takes one to know one. 

Type 2: The Pro

This is, usually, a Casual with the skill dial turned all the way up to eleven. It's a gamer that has embraced a specific genre or game so well, he's become exceedingly good at it, without, however, losing focus of the grand perspective: he's gaming. A Casual that acquires skill might instead branch into another type instead of naturally evolving into this (see: The Actual Pro, The Douche, The Hitler). Pros, while gaming on a different scale from the Newbie or, indeed, the Casual, will not forsake his fellow gamers, offering help, hints, insight. He's skilled, and wants others to be skilled as well. The Pro might, like his previous evolutionary state, tresspass into other types, although unlike the Casual, he's more likely to be sucked in them for longer periods of time than he'd intended.

Type 3: The Actual Pro

This is the rarest of them all, and you'd better hope not to run into one of them because, in the words of Illidan Stormrage, YOU ARE NOT PREPARED! Unlike you, this guy has trained for one reason and one reason alone: to kick your ass into a pulp. These guys have trained so hard, they have to switch mice once a month for all the coagulated blood on them from their mangled fingers. If their whole bodies had the reflexes their fingers do, they'd be ninjas. If their hand/eye coordination was any better, they'd be snipers without the need for scopes. If they were...you get the idea. They will not help you. They will not hold your hand. They have no time for the puny likes of you. These guys play to be the very best, and they make a living from it. Do not expect any quarter, for absolutely none shall be given.

Type 4: The Girl

All these types are, of course, not sex-exclusive (say that ten times fast), but the Girl is a very specific type in its own right. and, like the others, it is not sex-exclusive. Girls usually branch into two different categories, Little Girls and Angry Girls which, while different, have enough common characteristics to be considered variations on a theme. A Girl will use her sex to gain an advantage, imagined or otherwise. A Little Girl will pretend to be a Newbie (see "The Newbie") and emphasize her sex, so she's not taken seriously and, on occasion, might even be spared some pwnage from an opposing player who considers going easy on her as flirting (see: "The Maladjusted"). Then he'll get a knife in the back, and she'll get a frag/kill. His response? "Good kill!" Her response? Giggling. An Angry Girl will not lie to you. She won't pretend to be clueless. She has everything to prove, and she's trained for this. She'll kick your ass, and then berate you for losing to a girl. She'll throw you off balance, makes you lose focus, and the tables will have turned, almost inevitably, in her favour. An Angry Girl will fuck with your head so bad she'll give it an STD that no one ever knew existed. A guy might pretend to be a Girl, so do not discriminate. What are you, a misogynist? Shoot them!

Type 5: The Bimbo

The crushing majority of these you won't find in match lobbies, realms, or in games, but on networking sites (such as tumblr). These are the girls that pose seductively with x-box controllers, quirky hair colours, and as sexy an outfit as possible. Their catchphrase is "I'm such a nerd lol", so they're easy to spot. If you're fooled into actually starting a conversation about games with them, you'll soon discover they've only played like two or three JRPGs, pretend to fucking love Legend of Zelda but think Link's name is "Zelda" and, deep down, despise gaming. Photographic evidence suggests they are so stupid, they think X-box controllers are edible. Do not be fooled, these do not actually game at all, or if they do it's completely irrelevant to their persona. They are just slightly sexier (but much less true) Little Girls who enjoy the attention. Unlike the Little Girl, a bimbo doesn't use her sex for gaming, but uses her projected "gaming" for...erm...some sort of sex, I suppose. What she lacks in skill, though, she makes up for in eagerness. A Bimbo will not sit down to game with you, but will (probably) happily send you a naked picture of her in bed with a Wii-mote if you tell her she's the most beautiful girl ever. That is, if the 394 half-naked pictures on her profile won't do it for you.

Type 6: The Douche

This type of player, sadly, has existed since time immemorial and will keep on existing due to his knack for surviving. The Douche comes in many forms, but they all have one common denominator: they're dicks. Like, seriously, absolute dicks. We're talking guys who will treat you, pretty much, like an NPC. They will hog the best weapons (which they don't know how to use), take the cheapest shots possible, use medpacks on themselves to heal a scratch instead of saving you from certain death, will lock you out of a safehouse with a horde of zombies shambling towards you, will run away from a fight that's not a 100% sure thing, ninja your loot, completely (and, worse, on purpose) ignore any tactics or plan and, in general, kill a little bit of your faith in humanity. The Douche doesn't just want to have fun; he wants to have fun on your expense. A Douche, more often than not, will think of themselves as a Pro, but there are telltale signs: the insulting, the calling everyone apart from themselves "noob", their overuse of "lol" and so on and so forth. The Douche is a master of disguise due to actually having a variable degree of skill, but sooner all later a Douche will reveal themselves for what they are. Stay informed, and stay safe. They outnumber everyone else combined.

Type 7: The Newbie

This is the starting type of most gamers. In pokemon terms, think of this type as Evie: all different types of evolution are possible from this starting point. A Newbie is, as the name suggests, new. Their skill is usually very little. Do not confuse them for the Noob! A Newbie wants to learn and to contribute as much as he can, and with the proper encouragement and nurturing, they will eventually become a Casual or even a Pro. However, if branded as a Noob, they will evolve into the Douche or the Leech or, perhaps worse, the Noob itself, like some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Type 8: The Noob

This is a sad, sad type. The wounds on the Noob are self-inflicted. He's every bit the douche that...well, the Douche is, but has none of the skill. What he has instead of that, are excuses. A Noob will always claim their opponents are either cheating somehow or that their team mates are shit or, naturally, lag. A Noob is boastful: he'll claim from being the best player ever and his losing streak is only because of others to having a friend or a cousin working in the developing company and are therefore privy to supposedly leaked info and everything in between. The Noob considers themselves the alpha dog at all times, and loves to blame others for their shotcomings, and reacts really badly to any advice, for they see it as doubt of their perceived awesomeness and shaking the validity of their claims.

Type 9: The Hitler

This is not quite as rare as you'd think or hope. Everytime Noobs congregate and pat each other on their backs, everytime a Pro turns into a Douche, and everytime a Douche, a Leech and a Noob walk into a bar...a Hitler is born. A Hitler is, essentially, a form of Douche, Noob or Leech with groupies. It can be a guildmaster, or a clan leader, or flying under the radar, but when, for whatever reason, a Hitler gets you into their sights, you're well and truly fucked. Or, at least, that's what they think. Their posse of assorted Noobs, Leeches and other, minor Douches gives the Hitler extraordinary bravado in talking trash, knowing their me-too-ists will laugh, no matter how stupid or overused the joke is. A Hitler rarely defends themselves, because they know their followers will do it for them. When they have to, they invoke mentions of their army at every turn. A Hitler might or might not have skill, depending on what type he evolved from, and retains some key characteristics of that type. A witty Casual or Pro can expose the Hitler and reduce him to a wreck, but that's much harder than it should be due to the chorus of lols at his retorts and flood of insults at yours. When isolated from the group, though, the Hitler will be easily wounded, severely even, and will have no choice but to lick their wounds and wait for their posse. And then they'll invade Poland. Dicks.

Type 10: The Leech

The Leech exists in limbo, on the hellish border between Noob and Douche, but will rarely, if ever, become one of the two. On some very, very rare cases, the Leech can become a Casual, but it's safer betting on another outcome. No matter the reality, the Leech always thinks of themselves as a Casual; even they themselves won't believe they're Pros, even though they might claim to be from time to time. Like the Noob, the Leech is boastful, but not as much, and (thinks it) knows where to boast and where not to. Leeches, like their namesake, attach themselves to other players and expect to be carried through games, matches, raids et al. Leeches have an extraordinary sense of entitlement to everything, from a spot on a raid to loot to your hard-earned gold. Leeches can easily be confused for Newbies, in which case they'll bleed a Pro or Casual dry (of sanity, more than anything else). More often than not, Leeches will be found stroking the ego of a Bimbo, Douche or a Noob, with a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship.

Type 11: The Maladjusted

The Maladjusted can easily be confused with another type of gamer, but if you  dig under the surface, you'll wish you hadn't. The Maladjusted have serious issues, and instead of viewing games as escapism, they'll view them as escape. Maladjusted can be found running after Girls (Little variety only) or Bimbos, in a relationship that closely resembles that of the Leech with a Douche or Noob. Sometimes, Maladjusted will camouflage (intentionally or otherwise) themselves as Casuals, Pros, Douches, Leeches or even Hitlers. Maladjusted love it when you show interest, and will break down the details of their life for you on a subatomic level, becoming way too personal, way too fast. By that point it's already too late: edging away will trigger a torrent of guilt-inducing actions or general vindictiveness.

Type 12: The Young

Picture says it all, really.  

Merry Christmas!